Artwork by Brendan Murdock
This blog and my upcoming book, Hooked on Hope, is about the concurrent journey a mother takes alongside her son’s mental illness and drug addiction. We are companions along the trail. I may not experience the uncontrollable mood swings my son does, but I am caught in the bi-polarity of his illness. I move from hope to despair, confusion to determination, serenity when he is enjoying an episode of health and stability, fear and hopelessness when he is not.
Seventy to eighty percent of people who abuse drugs or alcohol also have a mental illness. Yet, at first, I denied the severity of my son’s drug use, attributing his lost jobs, broken relationships, legal troubles, and periodic hospitalizations to the manic phase of his illness. It was only when he ended up in prison that we both had to come to terms with the reality of this crippling disorder.
In spite of the fact that I am a family therapist and had access to resources to get my son help, I have been frustrated every step of the way by the complexity of his illness and the inadequacy of our health care system to treat both illnesses. I share the journey with millions of parents like me.
This is not the story I wanted for my son. Yet he is finding stability and I am finding hope in the most unlikely of places, within his prison walls. As he responds to a stable routine and daily medication, he is beginning to reflect upon the choices he has made in life, come to terms with his illness, and learn how to manage the mood swings that still prevail. A glimmer of light appears in the darkness.
I felt like I wanted to check ME into the psych unit of the hospital after dealing with my son today who was evicted from the fourth apt in one and a half years. I’m at my wits end. Returning to active addiction sure hasn’t made this trip any easier.
I understand completely, having gone through a series of evictions, rehabs, and hospitalizations with my son as well. I hope you have support from friends or from your local Al-anon group.I just bought David Sheff’s new book, CLEAN. I heard him interviewed on NPR last week. You might find some solace in his words. Best wishes, Maureen
thanks I just went to the NPR site. Tonight my son has been taken to the hospital and hopefully will be admitted to the psych unit. He has used so many drugs today and has been talking to others about suicide. I am heartsick at his suffering. I am several hours away preparing for a trip to NYC with my fiance. Everyone is encouraging me to just go ahead and go. I know I’ve done everything a person can do but still, I wonder, did I miss something? thanks for listening and responding.
So glad to hear your book is being published! I’ve shared your thoughts with all the mothers of addicted children I know and they all want to read the book.
Maureen, I am sharing this with all my friends who have (or had) addicted children. So glad you’re getting your book published.
Dear Maureen
Many mothers have shared their ordeal with the drug addicted child. It is all valuable and useful. Having read your previous books, I can only say that your testimony has something that takes it out of the ordinary: you are a professional writer, and your style makes all the difference in the experience of reading you. Thanks for writing this book. It will have a huge impact.
Ginette Paris
Maureen, I know you story and your struggle. My son got hooked on heroin and I felt as if I was drowning and couldn’t really help him. I too am an LCSW. When my ex and I realized we
had to let him go and live his life without our interference I thought I would die and not sure if he would’t die too. He found a haven with a friend who did not do drugs and finally found his way after several rehabs. Denise referenced you to me so I am here if you want to connect.
Having worked with women suffering with dual diagnoses and watching the funding for treatment dry up makes me grateful that you are, through the terribly painful story of your son, bringing to light the importance of advocacy and support.
Your writing has inspired me many times, and continues to do so.
Dear Maureeen, congratulations on this new book, your other books have been of great help to me, I’m sure this one will be too. I’ve learned a great deal from you. I will allways be grateful to you and not only for your books. Love, Norma
Congratulations Maureen. You are such a beautiful writer with such a heart breaking story. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in sharing this with others.
Maureen,
A mutual friend directed me to your blog and I’m glad he did! Thank you for sharing your heart-wrenching, yet hopeful story and inviting us all in to more compassion through understanding. Bravo to you for your courage and honest sharing. May you continue on bravely in your unfolding story both in life and here on your blog. P E A C E, Gina
Hi, Maureen. Your friends and readers are correct – it takes a lot of courage to shine a spotlight on a wound as raw as this. Congratulations for gritting your teeth and being so open. I don’t know if I could do what you have and I certainly don’t think I can add anything useful to your already heartrending descriptions. However, I’m going to forward your blog to two friends: one a mother facing a very similar situation and the other an experienced blogger who may be able to lend meaningful comment.
Maureen, CONGRATULATIONS! to you for your perseverance in turning your insides out, digging into the hot rubble of hell that most keep so hushed. Your courage in reaching so deeply and allowing us to benefit from your journey is truly heroic (although I know you would not term it so!). As I bring into awareness the many years I have witnessed your struggle, angst, holding your breath, trying to hold on to any thread of hope, tears fill my eyes, my heart expands (along with the knot in my stomach) and I am deeply touched. I know this work will also touch the hearts and lives of those who similarly struggle, helping many to know they are not alone. I look forward to reading the book and to telling others about it. I think NAMI (and other organizations) should adopt it as required reading! Hope to see you soon.
I love your title, Hooked on Hope … with it I feel the weight of the deep sea, the swirling eddies of the drama and trama, all the while being hooked with believing, with caring, hooked with the courage to have as your constant companion – Hope.
Thank you for sharing your story with others and for creating a community through this blog. I admire your courage, compassion and wisdom.
Dear Maureen, I have followed with sympathy your years of struggles with your son. Our children have had their problems too, but nothing like this. My heart goes out to you. Deborah and I just saw a musical in Atlanta Sunday called “Next to Normal” about a family whose mother is bi-polar++more. The son in this play is deceased, but yet very much alive. I see this is playing in LA too. If you haven’t seen it already, I hope you do. Your paintings are strikingly similar to the blood splatters that Dexter keeps framed in his office. That tells me that there is something universal (archetypal?) at work. They are very powerful. I hope you continue to create this powerful artwork.
Correction… I now see that the paintings are by Brendan, not Maureen. The power of them still resonates.
Maureen. Can’t wait to read it all. You are so brave to write this down, and will help so many. Including my brother who son is also bi-polar and has been in all those terrible places. Xxxoo to you.
Dear Maureen,
I too am deeply touched by your honestly and clarity. Good for you…to shine a light on how mental health and culture has not yet provided adequate resources for the mentally ill and drug addicts…and how hard it is for you .even with your extensive knowledge and wisdom. It is so important to place mental illness in context of family and culture.
Warmly
Judy
Maureen, thank you for sharing your and your son’s journey through these illnesses. Those of us who have family, friends who have taken or are taking the same journey appreciate your candor.
Maureen — I am forever in awe of you and your continuing focus, courage and life-assuring actions. Thank you.
You reveal in this posting how you as B’s mother suffer the disease in your own way. It was not until 1950, decades after the construction of Alcoholics Anonymous that it became clear help was needed for family members of the illness, that we who have lived with alcoholics are in our own way and behavior repeating the alcoholic’s patterns and attitudes without ever taking a drop of alcohol–which is not the problem at all. Thanks for your candor here and your revealing that in the incubator of a prison cell B is finding a place to reflect deeply.
Dear Maureen
I am so glad to hear of your son’s stable environment. How ironic it is In a prison.
Ram Dass or someone smarter than I said, the difference between a prison and a Monk’s cell is very small. It’s the conscious choice vs the unconscious choice. The same work can be accomplished in either.
Congrats on your blog.
Best
Bjward
What a great story, Maureen, that you are sharing with the public. We have so much to learn about coping with mental illness and addiction. A bitter irony here is that your son is able to find some stability while in prison, with consistency in his shelter, routine, medications, diet, etc. It’s a surreal in-patient program. What if our society provided true sheltering care for dual-daignosis individuals without making the burden eating away at parents or other family members? May you find some kind of serenity while he is undergoing this change of his own.
I am deeply touched by your honesty and courage. By sharing both your professional expertise and your personal struggles as a mother who has watched her child deal with mental illness and addiction you are providing a space for other families to open up about a topic that too often stays hidden and misunderstood in our culture. Bravo!
I am so moved by your honesty, the way you reveal the difficult and complex depths of a mother’s struggle. Thank you for providing a forum where others might find a place to share and be supported in what often feels too lonely a journey.
Thank you for opening up your heart and expertise on a topic that I know leaves too many families in a lonely void. This is, and will be, a space of connection that was sorely needed.
Dear Maureen,
Thank you for Hooked on Hope. Yes, it takes courage to accept the reality that mental illness has stripped the dreams we had for our children. For me, much of the journey was learning how to recalibrate the metric. My daughter and her mental illness became my greatest teacher; I continue to learn from her example, each and every day. I hope to be able to meet you in person. Perhaps Peggy can get us together. ~ Ann Lippincott
Thank you for being brave and speaking for all the families and friends who share your journey. With more public input laws may change so as not to be punitive to those wh suffer from mental illness and our health system will provide the needed care. I also toast your son for struggling to be part of home, friends and society. We are all with you
I applaud your courage to address this difficult topic which has affected your family so deeply. Volunteering at a Public Health Clinic and the County Jail made it crystal clear that we need a health care system to meet the needs of those suffering from mental illness. Health care is not a privilege. It is a right.
Maureen, for all of us who are part of this wide-ranging family, thank you for you book, “Hooked On Hope”, and for this beautiful blog as well. Your work performs a true service. I admire the way you have taken the pain and suffering of your life, shaped it creatively, and offered it to the community. Surely this form of communication is necessary to change.